Starting over
by Cerenex33
Summary: Basically a story about how Eli came to Degrassi, and my own interpretations of his feelings.
1. When it all falls apart

I could still hear the sound of her screams.

_Eli, I don't want to fight. It's not what you think!_

_**Really? Then what the hell is it, Julia?**_

_He came onto me, not the other way around_

_**Why would my best friend every do that? Give me one reason why I should believe you**_

_Because I love you Elijah_

_**Psh, I'm so sure. Just leave, I need to think things over.**_

_Ugh you're so DIFFICULT! Why can't you take my side? I thought you loved me_

_**Yeah, I thought so too **_

And then, she was gone. Forever. The next morning I thought it was all a horrible nightmare. I made myself believe that the night before had never happened. Julia never kissed Eric. We hadn't really fought. Her mother never called me crying. She wasn't dead.

But then I was faced with reality. The time and date of Julia's funeral was scrawled on a post-it note stuck to my computer screen. I spotted her name, _Julia Marie Rosenfall, _in the obituary this morning. Tears fell from my face and onto the black and white print. _This can't be happening._ Was my love really gone? One stupid fight and it was all over. Why had I told her to leave? Why didn't I allow myself to listen to her pleas?

"Elijah, are you almost ready? I'd like to get their early to help Mrs. Rosenfall out." Mom didn't knock before coming into my room, but what did that matter? Normally I'd correct her manners, but right now, I couldn't do much but cry. I forced myself out of my clothes, the same ones I'd worn the night before, and into my Dad's old Bar Mitzvah suit. People later questioned my fashion choice, but only because they never knew. They didn't know that I wore it solely because it was Julia's favorite. She loved the way the green tie matched my eyes. _My eyes. _They were currently red and puffy from spilling all those tears. I couldn't let people see me like that, I had to convince them I was strong. If _I_ couldn't push through this, the most important person in Julia's life, than how could I expect anyone else too? I had to set an example.

I ran into Mom's room, looking for anything to cover hide my red eyes. I found an eye pencil and traced under my bottom lash line, temporarily concealing the red. I then combed down my long, dark hair. I decided to do my hair today in honor of Julia, because she always said it made me look handsome. I laughed for the first time all day. I don't know why, but the thought of her saying "Very handsome Mr. Goldsworthy" on the night of the dance humored me.

I sulked back into my bedroom. I looked around, for any object that would briefly bring Julia back. I then glanced down at my few pieces of jewelry. I scanned over a few necklaces, mostly gifts from Jul, until I came across a silver encrusted ring that bore a large black stone.

I remember clearly the day I obtained that ring.

It was a Sunday, and every Sunday I visited Grandma in the hospital. She was nearing her end, and the last time I saw her she grabbed me close. She whispered to me:

_Elijah, take this, please_

She shoved a ring into my hands.

_**Grams, I can't. That's your favorite**_

_It was my favorite because your grandfather gave it to me. Grandpa is gone, and I soon will be too. Once I die, the love in this ring will die as well. Please take it and give it to the one who possesses your heart._

I accepted the ring, and two hours later Grandma passed on. I stared at the band, tracing the markings with my shaking fingers. I was going to give it to Julia on our one year anniversary next month, but Julia won't make it to our one year. She'll never see the picnic in the park I set up for us. She'll never see the ring, and the proposal that came with it. She'll never know that I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life. After college I would've married her, and she would've mine and only mine forever.

I had to stop myself from crying, because eyeliner running down my face wouldn't look very nice.

I slid the ring onto my middle finger and tightened my hand. The cold metal felt so right on my skin.

I took a look at myself in the mirror and saw someone new.

In the dark suit, eye liner, and black ring, I looked like a different person. I looked darker, more mysterious. Julia liked it that way. She said when I wore black in made look different, and unique, she didn't care if my long dark hair made me look emo. She was always such an individual, which is only one of the reasons I fell for her.

I got into the car, saying nothing the entire way there. I cringed as we passed places that once meant the world to me. Passing the park, where we fought that night, nearly crushed my heart. I turned away from the window until we pulled up at the cemetery.


	2. The truth

Ch. 2

When I got out of the car I stumbled and nearly fell. I grasped the door tightly attempting not to lose my balance. I couldn't fall, not here, not now. Not with everyone already checking to see how I was.

"_Eli!"_ It was one of Julia's friends. She hugged me, held me tight, sobbing. Said she was waiting for me, wondering if I was holding up alright. I wanted to yell at her. I wanted to push her off me and tell her I'd never hold up alright. I had the urge to just scream at the top of my lungs.

She said something else that I didn't catch. She whimpered my name again, but I didn't know hers. I didn't know any of them, any of the people who gave me their condolences. Their names didn't matter, their faces didn't matter. The only face that was ever important was about to be buried six feet under the ground.

I took a deep breath and the girl whose name I didn't know let go of my motionless body. I grabbed a hold of myself and began to walk towards the group of people standing around the coffin.

I couldn't help but notice the number of people that Julia didn't even know. These people were imposters, trying to act like they _knew _Julia, my Julia.

"Eli, man, you look like death bro" That voice, the voice that haunted me. I started to shake with anger, so much anger that I might've exploded.

"Elijah?" Mom put a hand on my shoulder and tried to calm me down.

"YOU!" I spat at Eric.

"Woah, backup" He took a few steps back and put his hands up.

"It's your fault. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MY BEST FRIEND."

"Dude, what the hell are you talking about?" _So, he wanted to play dumb?_

"It's your entire fault, you're scum. You're the reason we fought. You're the reason Julia wasn't thinking clearly when she rode off on her bike. You're the reason she's… she's dead"

"Oh, so you saw?" He folded his arms and looked down, his face was painted with guilt.

"YEAH I saw Eric. I saw you kissing my girl friend, my true love, the one person who meant the world to me. How could you?"

"_I_ kissed _her_? Yeah right, that slut was all over me since day one." I froze. _Did he really just say that? _Whether it was true or not, I didn't care, but I would not let him speak badly of Julia. Not today, not ever. He wouldn't get away with that. Not even under these circumstances.

I lost it. I just started swinging my arms in the air. My hands turned it fists and began punching Eric as hard as they could. I heard screams in the back, and I felt Eric's grip on my collar as he tried to get me off of him. I couldn't let go, I had to keep fighting. I'd never been violent, but from that moment on something triggered in my mind. It made me into a whole new person, someone who fit my current gothic appearance. I kept hearing "Eli stop it" from all around, but then I heard her. It was an unmistakable voice. I knew immediately who was yelling at me. Those were the same words Julia had screamed at me that night. She begged me to forgive her, _she begged me to stop yelling._ I didn't listen to her last time, so now I had to. I let go of Eric and started to respire heavily.

And suddenly, I just broke. Tears flooded my eyes and I couldn't see a thing anymore. I didn't care about the makeup running down my face. I didn't care that I was on my knees, in the dirt, ruining my suit. I didn't care that I was practically screaming at a funeral. I didn't care about any of this because Julia was gone and I no longer had someone to impress.

"He kissed her… she kissed him…" I knew I wasn't making sense, but I couldn't put the words together. All I could do was cry.

"Eli, honey, I want to take you home now" I didn't protest because I had no more energy left to fight. Mom lifted my arms and helped me into the car. On the car ride home I felt dead. Not as dead as Julia must feel, I thought. Not as dead as I made her.


	3. Moving on

For the next few days I did nothing but eat and sleep. Some days it was too hard to get out of bed. _Julia will never wake up again_, every thought in my mind went something like that. Before ever bite of food I'd take, or every breath I'd take in, I'd think about how she could never do any of these things anymore.

Was it my fault? This question ran through my mind hour after hour. Eric was the reason we fought, but I was the reason she left the park that night. So who was to blame? I couldn't wrap my head around this paradox. I didn't know whether Eric was a murderer, or if it was me. None of this would've happened if Julia could've been faithful. _No Eli you're being dumb, Eric kissed __**her**__. She didn't kiss him. _I tried to convince myself, but I'd become very hard to believe lately.

Six days after Julia had died I felt no motivation to get out of bed. All I wanted to do was sleep. I thought that the more I slept, the more of a chance I'd have of dreaming of Julia. I just had to hear her voice and her laugh again, anything but the scream that lingered in my ear drums. Of course my pushy mother forced me out of bed and into the living room where she wanted to "talk". I already knew what she'd say, probably the routine conversation we'd been having the last few days. That conversation that always started with _how are you? _No words could describe how I felt, so everyday I'd answer "I'm fine."

"Elijah, how are you?" I scoffed at the sound of the words I had heard over and over again

"I'm fine, Mom" I lied through my teeth; I was the farthest thing from fine.

"Well, I'd like you to know that me and your father were talking and—"

"That's a surprise" I sneered. The only things my parents ever spoke about were me and money, other than that; they ignored each other's existence.

"Yes, well we decided that it would be a good choice for you to move in with your Father, honey" _Honey, _did she really think terms of endearment would win me over?

"No, that's a horrible decision Mom. I can't go" We both knew why I wouldn't leave Hamilton. Still she asked the anticipated question.

"Why sweetheart? Why do you refuse this place that has caused you so much pain?" She was nearly screaming now and I knew the conversation was going to take a turn for the worst.

"This is Julia's home, forever. This is where her body is, and so it is where my body will be." The words sounded irrational when they came out of my mouth.

"But sweetie, Toronto is only an hour away, you could still visit Julia's grave. I just think it would be better if you weren't in this town, around these people."

"I just can't go Mom" I know I was being stubborn, but it just didn't feel right leaving my love in this forsaken town.

"But Elijah you don't go out, you don't interact with anyone, you don't do _**anything!"**_ She yelled and yelled about how my social life had disappeared. She said _I know it's only been a week, but you need to move on dear._ Move on? Julia wouldn't have moved on.

"Please Mom, stop talking." She stopped sobbing and yelling and let me speak.

"I don't go out because I have no one to go out with." And now I was the one crying and screaming. "The love of my life is _dead_ and my best friend is the reason behind it. I have no one left, Mom." She grabbed my hand and put it up to her lips.

"I love you so much, you are my world. I wouldn't do anything that I didn't think was right for you Sweetie."

"I know Mom, I really love you too"

I was surprised at how much Mom and I cried that night. We stayed up for hours talking about everything, and I reached a place with her that I'd never been with her or my father before. I agreed to move to Toronto with my dad, and I promised to try and move on.


	4. Floating

_Thump, thump_

My heart beat at a steady pace as I entered the once familiar home. Every weekend I'd be here, hanging out with dad, doing the kind of things father and son were supposed to. Of course once he met Bridget, it all changed. At first I was surprised that Dad let me move in, considering our weekend hangouts had to stop because Bridget _missed seeing her boo every day_. The thought of Bridget and my dad calling each other _boo_made me sick.

_Make yourself at home, Son. Wish I could help move you in but I've got to get back to work_

But was he really going to work? Probably not. Bridget probably texted him and said she just needed to see him. Thankfully, I didn't give a crap if dad wanted to leave me for Bridget. Lately being alone had been my preferred choice. I looked down at the luggage by my feet and held my breath. It was real; I was gone from the place where I had met Julia. This was my new home.

My eyes reviewed the small room that was now mine. It seemed a lot bigger when I was twelve years old. Once I was unpacked I realized how little I had brought. Anything that was connected to Julia came with me, and basically everything else was left behind. I wanted to leave her things, at first, but I just couldn't. Leaving her body was hard enough. Anything that brought her back, even for a second, was a valuable possession. The earring she lost in my car on our first date had been transformed into a charm for the chain that never left my neck. I wanted that piece of her to stay with me forever. I looked at it, nearly rusted and old, it was still beautiful. It reminded me of Julia, not the rusted part, but the gorgeous aspects of it. It was a simple dangling white diamond that was just so pure and natural, just like Jules.

I wanted to cry but the tears wouldn't come. I could practically feel them, a hot burn stinging my eyes, memories of that night, Julia's last night, were clawing at me, leaving me standing there frozen. I tried to stand up straight but my body just fell. It landed on the soft mattress that was now mine. It felt like my old mattress, but it was still different in so many ways. For one, it didn't smell like Julia like my other one did. My old mattress carried that lavender smell that Julia marked her territory with. And then just like that, with the memory of that lavender smell rushing through my brain, all the tears I'd held in busted out. My tears fell down like razorblades after they flowed through my blistering eye lids. I could have died from the pain off crying, but I knew I deserved it.

I was floating through the air. Everything was gone, all my senses had failed. I couldn't smell anything, couldn't feel anything, couldn't see, hear, or taste a thing, but I knew I was floating. I thought I was dead, maybe this was my punishment for killing Julia. Perhaps I was to stay here, _floating, _for the rest of eternity. I'll admit, I was scared that it might be true. Could you go insane in your own hell? Suddenly I felt my heart pulsing faster and for the first time since I've been in this place, I could smell. Although once I knew the smell I wished it would go away. As lavender filled my nostrils like a corrosive acid I felt the need to cry. But no, you weren't allowed to cry in hell. You had to stick it out, be a man, and go through the pain that you caused everyone else. All I could feel was anger and remorse as I drifted through this hell. Lavender followed my body everywhere it went. My heart ached as the smell started burning my body. The blazing fires of hell joined the lavender in the process of torturing me. It took over everything and it had me begging for death. _But you're already dead, Eli._

My neck snapped up and I began gasping for air. I looked around and there I was in that small room. The clocked blinked 3:47 a.m. and it became clear that I would be starting my first day at my new school tomorrow.


	5. Welcome to D E G R A S S I

The next morning I felt numb. My face was cold and my skin was like ice. Dad woke me, telling me he'd take me to meet my new principal if I wanted. I scoffed; I didn't care about meeting the principal. I told him I'd rather drive myself.

_Are you sure you want to take your car? Maybe you should take mine, make a better impression._

See, I would do that but: A) I didn't care what people thought about my car and B) What would Bridget say if she saw my dad driving a hearse?

I declined the offer and just slumped out of bed and over to the small variety of clothing I had brought. I slid on a black t-shirt, black blazer, and a pair of black jeans. I put Grandma's ring onto my middle finger, kissed it, and retreated to the bathroom. I pulled from my suitcase and eye pencil I had stolen from Mom's room before I left. _This is it, _I thought, _this is the new Eli_. I traced my bottom waterline and stuck the pencil in my back pocket.

When I walked downstairs Dad asked me if I was wearing makeup. I ignored his question and simply grabbed an apple because I was starving. I left abruptly not wanting to hear his good-luck speech. I drove in silence and once pulled up to the school I nearly crashed. There was a girl standing outside, smoking a cigarette, her long dark hair, olive skin, and defined features matching Julia's perfectly. I slammed my eyes shut, not wanting to look at her. I parked my outlandish car and slid out of the driver's seat, barely breathing. I didn't look back at the girl; I just walked through the front entrance, and stared at the words D E G R A S S I as the truth sank in. This was my new school, whether I liked it or not.

Degrassi High School wasn't very different from any other school I'd gone to. As I turned the hall I passed about five couples making out, which normally didn't faze me, but being alone changed me. I used to be the one making out with my girl friend in the halls between classes, it was me and Julia that other people would envy because we had it so perfect. Well, I guess it wasn't so perfect after all.

Period one through five seemed to fly by. I got the regular, _we have a new student everyone, _greeting. Once the sixth period bell rang I looked down at my schedule and I had English next. It was my favorite, and my best, subject. I slipped into the room quietly and took a seat in the back row, not wanting to cause any commotion. The teacher began reading names off an attendance sheet and I waited for my name.

_Freddie Estas, __**here.**_

_Clare Edwards, __**oh she's in the guidance office.**_

_Sarah Frankiln, __**here**_

And then she got to my name and paused before she read the whole thing.

_Oh class! We have a new student with us, his name is mister Elijah Goldsworthy, let's all welcome him please!_

I smiled as the entire class turned and looked at me, but only for a second.

_So, Elijah—_I interrupted her, _**I prefer Eli actually.**_

_Very well, so Eli, what brings you to Degrassi?_

There was no way I could tell the truth, so I coolly said that my dad's job had been moved to Toronto.

Everyone believed my lie and they all returned back to their work, without a care in the world. Little did they know their new classmate was a killer.


	6. I sent you my heart, please sign for it

Once last period was over I was more than relieved to get out off that building. It was too familiar, too much like home. I wanted to drown out all the voices and laughs that surrounded me. My car, Morty, was parked near the front of the school so I was able to get to it before the traffic started. I got the usual stares, probably because of my car, but it didn't make a difference to me. I blasted music, the kind of music that makes you want to either cover your ears or rip your heart out. The music relaxed but it also cleared my mind and made everything around me disappear. I was lost in the trance of the song, so lost, that I didn't see the pair of tiny glasses that fell right in front of my car. It was until I heard the little _crunch_ that I stopped the car and got out to investigate. There I saw two girls, one with short light brown hair and one with long dark hair. The one with the short hair looked anxious and so I figured the pair of spectacles beneath my wheel belonged to her.

"I think they're dead" I handed her the crushed pair of glasses.

"It's okay… I uh… I don't need them anymore. I got… laser surgery" She smiled confidently which only made me want to smile too.

"You have pretty eyes" The compliment slipped out, not that I didn't mean it, but I just didn't think I could ever think about another girl after Julia. The mystery girl looked down and tried to hide a grin.

"Thanks. I'll uh… see you around" She said with a hint of hope in her voice.

"I guess you will" I fought a smile, although I think a smirk may have escaped.

A few hours later and the girl with the short curled hair and pretty eyes was still on my mind. I felt guilt rush through me, but I still couldn't help it. A part of me thought that maybe Julia would want me to be interested in other people, even if I didn't deserve to be happy.

That night I didn't have the floating dream again. Instead I found myself alone in a field. Lavender filled the air, but I was so used to the smell that it stopped burning my nostrils after awhile. I looked around and instantly became confused. I'd never been to this meadow, so why had my dreams taken me here? I searched the field for some sort of clue that would show me why I had been lead to this place. Unexpectedly a girl appeared far from where I was standing. I couldn't see her face, but I knew who she was. I started to run and run until I nearly collapsed, but the farther I ran the farther away Julia became. Finally I gave up and opened my eyes.

I couldn't decipher what the dream meant and why I was being punished in such a way. I could see her, she was so close, but she was so far. I wanted to cry so hard because I was just so frustrated. I sat on my bed rocking back and forth with my knees up to my chest. I needed a way to get my feelings out, and I needed a way to tell Julia everything that just couldn't be put into words.

_Dear Julia,_

_Writing these letters to you was Bridget's idea. I know right? Weird. I would usually ignore anything that came out of Bridget's mouth, but this wasn't a bad suggestion. I guess I could start out with I miss you and please come the fuck home. Nothing's the same without you. Not a day goes by that I don't think about the last moments we had to together and how they were full of spiteful and hurtful words. I'd do anything in the world to take it all back, and I know you would too. I cry almost every night but pretty soon I think I may run out of tears. Baby, I cried you an ocean but you'll never know. I planted you a million roses but you'll never smell them. I've written you a hundred love songs but you won't hear them. _

_ I guess the real reason I'm writing this is to tell you that I'm sorry. I doubt I'll ever find out the truth, what really happened with you and Eric, but I don't care about that anymore. Even if you cheated on me, I would still want to see your face every day. Even if we weren't dating I know that if you were alive and with Eric, I could eventually live with being best friends. That's all I need from you right now. I just need a best friend again. Someone to tell __everything__ to. Julia if you read this from wherever you are right now, please send me a sign. Help me out; I just miss you so much. _

_ Love, Eli._

My tears fell and I noticed that they were black (not metaphorically, they were black from the amount of eye liner I had on). I wiped my eyes and folded the letter, wish more than anything that I could send it to Julia alongside my heart.


	7. Making friends

I don't know what it did, but writing that letter to Julia helped. The next day I went to a local café that Dad and I ate at once. I sat by the window looking at all the people passing by. They all looked so carefree and happy, but then again I suppose I did too. Of course I was sitting alone, with nothing to do but think. I was getting so tired of thinking. When I start to think I over analyze things way to much which just cause me more problems. Attempting to distract myself I picked up a newspaper from an empty table next to mine. The lead story was nothing exciting, just an article on the mayor, so I flipped through the pages and pretended to be interested in the text in front of me.

From behind me I heard a range of different things. There were jocks discussing the new football season, band kids discussing songs, and then something more peculiar.

"Mom, please, not in public!" I turned and saw a short, thin boy in a beanie hat and a long button-down plaid shirt. His voice was somewhat high pitched, but it was soon drowned out by the sound of his mother's fussing.

"Gra—" She stopped mid sentence "Adam. Honey, I just want you to look your best. It's definitely not easy being the new student in school." The boy looked around and scoffed at the sight of one of the football jocks.

"Doesn't look that hard for Drew" He pushed his mothers hands away and then crossed his arms across his chest.

"Your brother's always been more social than you, you know that."

"Whatever. I've got it from here, just go to work." He turned his back on his mother and took a seat at the table adjacent to mine.

Another new guy in school? This could be useful; I needed someone who was just as socially awkward as I was.

"Hey," I turned to the boy who had his face in his hands. I threw him a friendly smile "I'm Eli. I, uh, I'm knew to the school too." At first the boy looked around, as if he didn't know who I was speaking too, and then he slowly stuck his hand out and spoke.

"I'm Adam" He returned the smile and I grabbed his hand. He slightly winced at my hard grip.

That day Adam and I talked for a good few hours if you combine that morning in the café, lunch, and English class. The best part was, we talked about absolutely nothing. That was the best thing about guys, they didn't need to sit around and gossip all day; they could just hangout.


End file.
